


Out of Touch

by Noteventhat (Facialteeth)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec's POV, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas, M/M, Memoryless Magnus, Parabatai Feels, more like hopeful ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 21:33:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21955684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Facialteeth/pseuds/Noteventhat
Summary: It was Christmas and all Alec wanted was for Magnus to remember him.An AU where Clary's runes only worked with the help of Magnus and the angels decided to take his memories instead of hers.
Relationships: Brief Magnus Bane/OC, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 31
Kudos: 259





	Out of Touch

Alec pushed the stack of papers aside  and let his pen drop to the desk. It was nearly one in the morning and Alec knew he should have gone to bed hours ago but it wasn’t like he’d slept the night before or even the night before that, so Alec didn’t see why he should break the trend just because it was Christmas Eve. 

Or well, Christmas now. 

Alec rose to his feet and stepped out of his office into the hallway. He made his way down through the lobby and into the kitchen, running into no one the whole walk there. They didn’t even have a skeleton crew on tonight. Alec had given everyone the night off. 

Just stay on call, he’d said. Shadowhunters didn’t celebrate holidays the way the mundane did but it was Christmas and technically still Hanukkah. They deserved the night off, even if some of them had to come in later in the day. 

Everyone thought Alec was being nice but secretly, he’d wanted the building to himself. He’d walked to be able to walk through the halls and have no one look at him. He wanted to walk around and not have anyone stare at him with that pity they always had when they saw he was still awake- or when they saw him in general.

That was his Christmas present to himself. 

Alec poured himself a cup of old, burnt coffee. He didn’t bother putting anything in it even though he liked it with honey more than he liked it plain. Magnus had convinced him to try it like that. Of course, he’d loved it. 

He made his way back into the lobby. He checked the monitors that hadn’t changed since he last looked and then he made his way over to a bench in the entranceway. There was a big window beside it and Alec sat down to look out even though it wasn’t comfortable. He wasn’t sure why he felt compelled to sit down but maybe it had something to do with the sight outside.

It was snowing. It must have just started but it was coming down in heavy sheets and the ground was already covered in it. 

Magnus loved to watch the snowfall. Alec never really had before him. He’d never taken the time to just sit and look outside before Magnus came into his life. It was a little ironic that he was sitting here now, looking out at it alone.

Magnus would have made him come home tonight if he could. He’d have made Alec take Christmas off and let someone else deal with it. He’d have dragged him home early the night before and they’d have spent the evening curled together in front of the fireplace, drinking eggnog that neither of them really liked until Magnus spiked it, sharing kisses and maybe even early presents if they’d gotten too impatient. 

Alec would have liked Christmas then. He'd have liked anything with Magnus really but Christmas particularly. Alec could see how much he’d have liked it if they’d been able to spend a Christmas together but they hadn’t and now, they wouldn’t ever get to. 

Alec shifted in his seat. He felt Jace come up behind him a moment before he heard him. Alec didn’t turn to look at him. He was scared he had tears in his eyes and he didn’t want Jace to see it and feel it at the same time. 

“Can’t sleep?” Jace asked from somewhere behind him.

“No,” Alec said predictably.

It was the same conversation they’d had every night for months. Jace knew Alec would be awake and Alec knew Jace would come sit with him right around now and ask the same questions he always did. Alec didn’t think Jace knew what else to say and Alec didn’t blame him. He didn’t know what to say either. What was there left to say about any of this mess?

Jace sat down next to him. Alec still didn’t turn to look at him and after a moment of staring, Jace gave it up and turned to look out the window instead. 

“Shouldn’t you be with Clary?” Alec asked softly. There was no maliciousness in his tone. Jace was happy. Alec was happy for him or, he really tried to be. He wasn’t happy about much anymore but at least he was happy he was alone in his suffering. 

Even Magnus was probably happy tonight, out at his party. Alec hoped he was. 

“She’s asleep,” Jace said. 

Alec hummed. He’d already known that. Jace always waited for Clary to fall asleep before he came to find Alec, wherever he was sulking tonight. It was just the routine they’d fallen into the past few months. 

“You should try to get some sleep, Alec. I’ll come lay with you.” Jace turned to look at him again and this time, he didn’t look away when Alec didn’t meet his eyes. It made Alec uncomfortable. He’d never liked being stared at but he’d never minded when it was Jace. Until now. Now, he wanted him to look away like if he kept staring he was going to see through Alec’s whole facade, like he hadn’t already.

He must have looked really bad if Jace was trying to get him to go to bed. He hadn’t for a while now. Alec thought he’d finally given up. Maybe it was just because it was Christmas and Alec looked particularly pitiful tonight. 

“I want to go see him,” Alec said without looking over. His voice was even but he knew it wasn’t as simple of a thing to anyone but him. 

“Alec-” Jace sounded exasperated with him. It was funny how quickly their roles had switched. “You know you can’t keep doing that. It’s not fair.” 

Alec turned finally and caught Jace’s eyes with a hard stare. “He never sees me. He doesn’t even know I’m there.”

Jace cut him off just as quickly as he’d snapped back at him. “I meant that it’s not fair to you.” 

Alec closed his mouth, his rebuttal dying on his tongue. “Oh.” He wanted to say something else. He didn’t want Jace to know that he’d caught him off guard but he had and it took a moment for Alec even think of something to say back. When he spoke, his voice had a bit of lingering unsurety in it that Alec desperately wished hadn’t been there. “I don’t know what you mean. I’m fine. I like seeing him.” At least the last part was true. 

“You’re torturing yourself,” Jace said softly, sounding resigned with the conversation.

“I am not.” Alec looked back out the window. He wished he had left someone on tonight and he could have just gone without telling anyone before Jace got up.

“Every time you come back from seeing him, you’re worse.” His voice rose as he spoke. Alec just wanted him to be quiet. “It’s like you just start to get over it and then-”

“It’s not something that I can just  _ get over _ .” Alec turned to look over at him again, his hands tightening on the bench beneath him.

Jace fell silent for a moment, blinking, before he kept speaking. His voice was soft and tired all of a sudden. “I didn’t mean it like that.” He murmured. 

“I know.” Alec sighed and looked out at the snow again. It was filling the ground slowly, making the soft dusting that had been there before into thick mounds. Someone would have to go shovel it tomorrow. They’d have to at least clear the walkway and go brush off the sensors on top of the building. 

Alec didn’t care about the shoveling. He didn’t care about the sensors. He just didn’t want to think about anything else. 

“I don’t want to stop seeing him.” He said finally. “Even if it hurts, it’s better than nothing. I have to see him.” 

“It’s late. He’ll be asleep.” 

“He’s having a Christmas party at the Pandemonium.” Alec said easily. Jace didn’t even ask how he knew. 

He was frustrated. Alec could feel it but Jace also understood. He knew how much Magnus meant to Alec. He knew Alec couldn’t just forget about him but he was also worried. Alec couldn’t blame him. He’d have been worried about Jace, if their roles were reversed. “You’re going to go and just watch him all night? Alec, It’s Christmas-” 

“I’ll come back later,” Alec promised quietly. “I’ve never been one for Christmas anyway.” 

“Mom is going to be pissed if you don’t come-” 

“I said I’ll be back later.” Alec turned to look at Jace, really look at him, for the first time since he’d sat down. He was wearing a tee-shirt that had been Alec’s once. Alec wanted to be pissed. He wanted to ask when he’d stolen it but that was something he would have been concerned about a year ago. 

He didn’t care about the shirt. To pretend he did would just be a lie but Alec almost wanted to bother him about it, just to make Jace feel better. 

“I just want to go see him,” Alec repeated instead. “It’s Christmas.” He said, echoing Jace’s words back at him. “I just want to see him having fun and then I’ll come back.” 

It was obvious that Jace wanted to argue more but he knew wouldn’t win. Not when it came to Magnus. He sighed finally. “What and I’m just supposed to take over your work so you can go slack off?” He asked, not quite able to force the annoyed tone. He looked tired and his tone came out more worried than aggravated.

Alec smiled at the attempt. “I think you owe me at least that. How many times have I covered for you?” 

Jace groaned and rose to his feet, brushing Alec off with a wave of his hand. “You better be back by ten. We’re going over Mom’s then and she’ll be so mad if you’re not there to help cook.” 

Alec followed Jace and stood up, relieved at the turn in conversation. “Oh, because I’m so good at cooking.” He murmured sarcastically. 

He watched the snow for another moment longer before he moved to slip on his jacket. Part of him wanted to walk out into the snow without it, feel the chill deep in his skin and feel the snow collecting on him. He also knew that Jace would throw a fit and he didn’t want to push him when he’d just decided to stop arguing with Alec about going out at all.

Alec walked out into the snow. It was already thick enough that he had to trudge through it, until he reached the road. It was bitterly cold out but Alec really didn’t mind. He walked and he thought of nothing but Magnus. 

The Pandemonium was surprisingly busy for a weekday, a holiday at that but then again, Alec wasn’t that surprised. There weren’t many people who would be willing to pass up one of Magnus’ parties and Alec was sure the recent news hadn’t made him any less popular. 

Everyone wanted to see Magnus. Everyone wanted to see if it was true, if his memories had truly been taken, if he really wouldn’t recall any of it even if someone brought it up to him. It was smart the way it worked. Even if someone tried to explain to Magnus what had happened, he’d forget later or maybe, he just wouldn’t put it together. It would all evade him, no matter how obvious it was. 

The Angels had taken his memories but they’d also put a block on his mind for anything that had to do with the past year: for Alec, Valentine, anything that they’d gone through together. Magnus didn’t remember him at all. He didn’t remember meeting him and he didn’t remember anything that came after. He didn’t even remember his name.

Alec had told Magnus it seemed dangerous to help Clary make runes. He’d said they should try to find another way. It was easy though and when the world was left hanging in the balance, they had to try right? Clary’s new runes wouldn’t have worked without Magnus. They needed Magnus’ power to make them work. 

Magnus wasn’t a Shadowhunter but his father had been an angel once. Alec’s stele lit in Magnus’ hands and it burned the wrong color. It wasn’t surprising that he’d been able to make the runes work, even when they weren’t supposed to. It wasn’t surprising that the angels had decided that getting rid of Magnus was the easiest solution.

It wasn’t surprising but that also didn’t make it hurt any less.

Alec stood outside for a few moments, watching people move in and out of the front doors. The bouncer, one he’d met the first time he’d come here and countless times after when he’d come with Magnus, let him in without comment. 

Every bouncer knew to let Alec in. They were all used to the routine by now.

The club was decorated for the occasion, with colorful Christmas lights strung up around every wall and every single doorway in the building. Everything was candy cane colors and bright hues of green and red. Even the dance floor had been set to match. 

Alec didn’t see Magnus right away but he knew that he wouldn’t have to look for long. Magnus wasn’t easy to ignore. He captured the attention of everyone in the room. 

Alec moved to grab a drink from the bar while he waited, not anxious to make this go by any quicker. The bartender slid it to him before he’d even had to ask for it. Alec walked around, sticking close to the walls as he sipped the harsh liquor and looked for him. A few people glanced to Alec but most of the regulars here were used to seeing him around and Alec was used to the looks of pity and curiosity that they sent his way.

He ignored them all. He stood around and watch the dance floor for a while before he finally saw him. Magnus came out of the backroom and walked out into the club like he owned the place- and he did of course. He was wearing a dark tight black suit with a red jacket over it. It was an outfit Alec hadn’t seen before. He’d probably bought it special for the occasion. That or it was an outfit he’d had put away for the holidays. 

If it wasn’t new, Alec hadn’t gotten the chance to see it before now. 

He had a drink in his hand. He was talking with someone too, a man that Alec had seen Magnus with before. They were romantic, though Alec didn’t think Magnus was taking the man very seriously. He knew was it was like to have Magnus pursue you seriously. That wasn’t what Magnus was doing. He looked more like he was using the man for some fun. 

Still, Alec was jealous. How could he not be? Serious or not, the man got to kiss Magnus. He got Magnus’ attention whenever Magnus would spare a glance at him. It was more than Alec got, invisible from his place against the wall. 

Alec leaned back getting more comfortable now that he had actually found him. He was happy tonight, not stoic and moody like he sometimes was. He was laughing freely and he seemed charmed by the decor of the club like it looked different full of people than it had before when the club had been empty and he’d decorated it. He looked proud of his work and Alec didn’t blame him. 

The club looked beautiful. Alec would have complimented him if he could. 

Alec spent a while against the wall, nursing his drink as he watched him. Finally, he’d finished what was in his glass and was forced to decide if he wanted to go get another drink or leave. He didn’t want to leave of course. He’d stay here and watch him all night if he could. It was early though and Alec should go back soon. 

Who knew if Jace had actually stayed awake to cover him like he said. Alec wouldn’t have been surprised if he’d gone back to bed. Alec’s sorrow had been keeping them both awake lately and a moment like this, when Alec felt content, was rare to find. 

That contentment never lasted long though because in the end, Alec did have to leave and Magnus stayed here oblivious to him. 

Alec decided to get one more drink before he left. It was Christmas after all. He made his way to the bar and sat down this time. Magnus was somewhere behind him, on the dance floor with that man the last he’d seen, but Alec gave himself a moment to sip his new drink and pretend he wasn’t there stalking someone that didn’t know he existed. 

For a moment, it was almost nice to think that everything was normal. Alec had sat at the bar while Magnus danced many times. It was familiar and ordinary if Alec pretended everything else was okay. He imagined Magnus coming over to him after a few songs, sweaty with his hair just a little messy, grinning at Alec like he’d found him even though he’d known he’d been there all along.

“I don’t remember inviting any Shadowhunters.” 

Alec recognized his voice instantly. His head snapped up so fast that Magnus’ eyebrows went up in surprise. He thought he was seeing things for a moment. He thought he had finally snapped and he was imaging Magnus in front of him but after a moment, when Alec had failed to respond, Magnus kept speaking.

“No demons on Christmas?” He asked, leaning against the bar to watch him. 

It didn’t matter how many times this happened. The effect Magnus had on him was always the same. There was always the same disbelief, the same shock, and the same heartbreak. When he finally spoke, his voice was a little husky but if Magnus noticed, he didn’t comment on it. “No, apparently they take it off too.” 

Alec smiled. It was a practiced smile. They’d done this a few times now, not that Magnus would remember that. Every once in awhile, Magnus would see him. Alec wasn’t sure what it was. Maybe, he just happened to catch Magnus’ attention like he had the first time they’d really met. Maybe, Alec looked a little familiar to him and Magnus was drawn to him even if he didn’t know why but Alec thought he was dreaming to believe that. 

“That’s very kind of them.” Magnus murmured. He watched Alec for a second longer, looking like he was thinking hard about something. Alec wanted to know what it was. He wanted to know what Magnus thought of him like this when he was a blank slate. Magnus offered him his hand finally and Alec took it. 

He normally introduced himself like this. 

“Magnus.” He said. His nails were red Alec noticed and they had little caps of white. Alec wondered if he’d done them the night before, lounging in the loft as he planned the party out in his head. “Magnus Bane.” 

Alec squeezed his hand. It sent a little shiver down Alec’s spine. He hadn’t been able to touch him in so long. “Alec.” He offered, the sound tender in his throat. He remembered the last time he’d introduced himself to Magnus. It wasn’t that long ago really and yet... “Lightwood. Alec Lightwood.” 

Magnus let go of his hand and kept staring for a moment. He watched Alec like he was a puzzle he was trying to figure out. He watched Alec like he was something peculiar like he was a word just on the tip of his tongue. “Well, Alec Lightwood.” Magnus pressed his lips together in a soft line. Alec wanted to kiss it away. He wanted to ask what it meant. “Would you mind if I sat with you?” 

Alec couldn't help the grin that stretched across his face. If he smiled any wider, he thought his face might just crack in half or he’d start crying. Maybe, both. He nodded to the chair next to him and laughed a little breathlessly as Magnus slid into it. The laugh felt bitter in his mouth. Alec never could figure out how to feel when this happened. Part of him was overjoyed and part of him just thought this was a reminder of everything he’d never have again. 

Maybe, Jace had been right to try and convince him not to come anymore. 

Sometimes, Magnus would come over to him and ask him to dance. Sometimes, Alec explained he couldn’t dance and then let Magnus drag him out onto the dance floor anyway. Sometimes, Magnus would sit instead, heeding Alec’s warnings of his poor dance moves. Sometimes, they just talked like this and sometimes, they ended up kissing like Alec was just some fling he’d met. 

Alec preferred the nights like this, the ones where they talked. It was heaven to kiss him again but it better to just sit here and feel like Magnus felt something for him again, even if it would go away later.

They sat there for longer than they ever had before. The longest they’d ever talked in the club had been a few hours but that night, they sat there until the sun started to rise in the sky and everyone in the club had either gone home or passed out somewhere, too drunk to even try to make it home. 

Magnus and him were the only two people left in that building conscious. Magnus had even sent the bartender home and then he’d gotten up and started to make them drinks himself, twirling the bottle around and showing off like he had to. He’d sent the man he’d been spending time with on his way as well. The man had looked a little mad but he left without much of a fight. He knew. Everyone knew. The next day, Magnus wouldn’t remember Alec and he’d have him to himself. 

It was nice. It was the best night they’d spent together in a long time. These kind of nights were few and far between in the first place, so Alec felt particularly thankful for this one. Maybe it was because it was Christmas. Maybe it was because there was some romance in the air that night. Alec liked to believe Magnus felt romance anyway. Even if he didn’t remember him, he liked to believe Magnus had felt something he didn’t quite understand towards Alec. 

Then again, maybe that was just wishful thinking. Magnus flirted with a lot of people and that night had been special regardless but to Magnus, it had just been one night with a shadowhunter he didn’t know and never would again. It was only to Alec that it had been special but he was okay with that. He had to be. 

When the sun came up, Alec admitted he was supposed to go meet his family, just when Magnus said he had some people to visit. They were both reluctant to part but it wasn’t like they could invite each other to come along or run off to spend a spontaneous Christmas together.

Alec would have loved to but it would have been weird to Magnus to even suggest it. It would have been too soon. They’d only known each other for a night after all. They stood there staring at each other for a moment before Magnus finally opened his mouth. “Can I get your number?” He asked. 

Alec gave it to him, of course. Magnus wouldn’t call. He’d forget about it before he’d have the chance. Once, Magnus had texted him. Alec had responded the next day out of curiosity but Magnus had just responded, ‘Who’s this?’ Alec hadn’t texted him again. He hadn’t been surprised by Magnus’ response but he’d still cried all night. 

Magnus held the paper in his hand with a tender expression on his face. They both should go. They both had places to be. Neither of them moved. “Do I know you?” Magnus asked finally. Alec knew it was the question that had been on his tongue all night. 

“No.” Alec shook his head and glanced outside like he was anxious to get going. He was acting again. He didn’t know what else to do. “I don’t think so.” Alec tried to remind himself what this was to Magnus. He tried to remind himself what character he was playing. He tried to remind himself that to Magnus, they could meet again and have a future somewhere. He didn’t want to make him feel bad. He didn’t want him to go home, thinking Alec wasn’t interested before he forgot.

Alec turned and smiled. He shoved his hands into his pockets. “Call me though.” He said softly, trying to force his smile a little wider. “I’d love to…” Alec trailed off for a second and he couldn’t help the water that welled in his eyes. He ducked his head so Magnus wouldn’t see. “-meet up or something.” He finished weakly. 

Magnus looked confused. Obviously, Alec’s acting wasn’t as great as he’d hoped. “Yeah…” He said slowly. “Are you okay?” Magnus took a step forward and Alec took a step back before he could stop himself. 

He was going to start crying if Magnus touched him. He knew he would. “Yeah.” Alec didn’t look at him. “I’m fine.” Alec met his eyes for a split second and forced a smile before he was turning towards the door. “Merry Christmas, Magnus.”

Alec ducked out the door before Magnus could even respond. He sprinted into the cold and realized after he was a few yards away that he’d left his jacket behind at the bar. He couldn’t go back for it. He liked the cold anyway. He needed it right now and it besides, Magnus would find his jacket later. 

He’d think it belonged to some random person at the bar. He’d throw it out or leave it. 

Maybe though, just maybe he’d keep it. Maybe, he wouldn’t even be sure why he kept it. Alec would never know if he did and maybe that was better too. 

Alec made it to his mom’s just in time. No one asked where he’d been. They all knew. Alec was sure Jace had told them but even if Jace hadn’t, they could have guessed. It was Christmas. Of course, he’d gone to see Magnus.

Jace had bought him gifts for everyone and Alec smiled and pretended that he knew what they were before they were opened. He’d even bought himself something from Alec, a new knife set, which he emphasized with a dramatic, ‘How did you know?’

Alec felt a little bad that he hadn’t even thought to buy any gifts. He hadn’t even realized it was Christmas until a few days ago if he was being honest. He had other things on his mind, he supposed. He wanted to be surprised that Jace had thought to buy gifts from him but he wasn’t. Jace did a lot that Alec used to do now. 

Alec wanted to feel bad and he did a little but he also knew that if their situations were reversed, Alec would have done the same for him. 

Alec smiled. He looked through Max’s new books with him. He listened when he rambled about them and he nodded like he understood even though he didn’t. He listened to Luke tell him about the vacation he was making Maryse take with him. He was happy for her. He tried not to look at Jace and Clary when she showed up, even though none of it was either of their faults. He pretended not to notice when Izzy followed him every time he ducked out of sight, like she was nervous he’d flee. 

Alec stayed all afternoon like he was supposed too and he did enjoy spending time with his family. He hadn’t seen his mom in a while. He hadn’t seen Max in even longer but when the sun started to go down, Alec realized he was tired. He felt like maybe he could even sleep tonight and really, he only wanted to go see one person, a person he was sure had forgotten all about him by now. 

Alec said something about needing to do some paperwork. He wasn’t lying. He had paperwork he should do. He just wasn’t going to do it. Izzy tried to walk home with him. Jace tried to leave with him to, when Alec wouldn’t let Izzy. He brushed both of them off and a half an hour after saying he had to go, he finally walked outside with Jace’s jacket around his shoulders. 

Alec thought of Magnus the whole walk to the Institute. He tried not to at first but how could he think of anything else? He wondered what he was doing. Catarina said he was coming over today. He was probably still there. Alec wondered what he’d do after he left. He wondered if he’d go home and have a relaxing night in or if he’d go back to the Pandemonium and find someone to bring home with him. 

He wondered if he was with someone right now. 

Alec turned the corner and the gates of the Institute came into view. For a moment, he thought he was seeing things. He did sometimes, though he hadn’t told anyone. Sometimes, he’d turn a corner and Magnus would just be there. He was never real and he never stayed there longer than a moment but Alec would see him.

Alec blinked and Magnus didn’t disappear. Alec kept walking forward, staring and waiting for himself to realize that it wasn’t Magnus at all, that it was just someone that looked vaguely like him. The man turned. His eyes widened when he saw Alec approaching him and Alec realized that it was Magnus. That or he was actually going completely insane.

Alec stopped a few feet away. He didn’t say anything. He couldn’t. His throat felt like it was sealed shut and he couldn’t do anything but stare. He’d changed out of his clothes from the night before. Now, he was wearing a soft red sweater that was probably more expensive than anything Alec owned. There was a red streak in his hair to match and it was falling around his face in soft tufts, almost looking natural. 

It reminded Alec of how he looked in the morning, when they woke up together in bed and everything was laid bare between them. Even his make up was hardly visible tonight, so different from the dark dramatic look he’d gone with the night before.

Magnus smiled but it was hesitant. He stared at Alec like he didn’t know what to expect like he didn’t know what he was doing there at all. “You forgot your jacket.” He said, holding up the leather in his hands. 

Alec stared at it uncomprehendingly. 

“I figured you needed it-” His eyes strayed to the jacket around Alec’s shoulders. “-but perhaps Shadowhunters have a million of the same jackets.” 

Alec looked down at his jacket slowly. “This isn’t mine. It’s Jace’s.” Magnus didn’t know who Jace was but Alec wasn’t worried about that right now. He wasn’t thinking of anything besides the fact that none of this made any sense. 

Alec moved forward and finally took the jacket Magnus was now awkwardly holding out to him. Neither of them said anything about how long it had taken for Alec to grab it. Alec didn’t say anything about how the jacket was warm in his hands, like someone had been wearing it.

“Thanks.” Alec’s eyes stayed locked on Magnus. It was weird. He was staring at him weird and he knew it. Magnus looked confused. He looked a little worried as well but Alec couldn’t stop himself. He just kept staring, waiting for Magnus to ask who he was, waiting for him to disappear entirely. 

“You remember me?” Alec asked when neither happened. His tone was curt. Magnus’ face scrunched up a little at it. Alec was being rude. He heard it in his own voice but he couldn’t stop himself because Magnus shouldn’t remember him. The longest he’d remembered him had been an hour. Normally, it only took a matter of minutes after Alec walked away. 

It had been all day. It had been more than twelve hours. Magnus shouldn’t remember him. 

“Of course.” Magnus bit his lip. It was something Alec had seen him do often, when he was deep in thought, trying to figure something out or when he didn’t understand something. “I met you last night,” Magnus said it like he knew it was true but he also looked to Alec, like he was waiting for him to confirm that he wasn’t mistaken. “I-” Magnus met his eyes and shook his head, taking a step towards him. 

Alec didn’t move back this time. 

“I know you.” He said finally. He was staring deep into Alec’s eyes like he was trying to remember something. Alec wanted him to remember so bad that it hurt. “I know I do.” He continued. “How do I know you?” 

“We met last night,” Alec spoke slowly. For some reason, he was scared if he spoke quicker Magnus would forget him or run away. “You came up to me at the bar.” They were only a foot away from each other now. Alec could have kissed him, if he had wanted. “We talked all night. You remember that?” 

Magnus nodded. He moved and his hand caught Alec’s forearm. He held his arm tight, like he was scared Alec would disappear if he let go. 

Alec exhaled sharply and he clutched the jacket tighter even though he wanted to hold Magnus too. 

“I remember that,” Magnus whispered. “-but I don’t remember something else. What is it?” 

Magnus sounded sure of himself and Alec wanted to tell him so bad. Magnus specialized in memory magic. He knew what it felt like to have memories taken away. He knew the signs. Alec wanted to beg him to believe him. He thought Magnus would but he was scared.

What if Alec told him and it broke whatever loophole they’d found? What if Alec explained everything and that made Magnus forget? What if Alec told him and the angels, if they had done this on purpose, took him away again?

What if it wasn’t going to last?

A tear fell down Alec’s cheek. He moved quickly with the arm that Magnus wasn’t holding and he wiped it away. He hadn’t even noticed he was crying but with the tear, Alec broke. He started speaking before he could even stop himself. 

“Come inside.” He said desperately. “Please, come inside with me before-” Alec couldn’t even finish that sentence. Before  _ what _ he didn’t know. Before something happened. Before he disappeared again. “Magnus, please-” 

Magnus nodded. He shouldn’t have said yes. Alec shouldn’t have asked. He was a shadowhunter that Magnus didn’t know, asking him to come inside the Institute with him, a place Magnus associated with the worst of his people. 

Magnus shouldn’t have said yes but he did. Alec took his hand and he dragged Magnus inside before he could change his mind. He had no clue if this was going to last or if Magnus was going to forget him any second but it was Christmas and Alec hoped that maybe, beyond any reason, the angels had decided to be kind today. 

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write a cute fic for Christmas and instead... I wrote this sad thing. 
> 
> Anyway, Happy Holidays everyone! Merry Christmas to everyone that celebrates!


End file.
